User:Taln Fan/Funny Quotes
This is mostly for personal reference. Many of these don’t have ref’s yet so whoopsie. :)
Hoid Quotes[edit]
“I’d rather not die today, as I still have seven more people I want to insult. ”
—Hoid
“How remarkable, if you spend your life knocking people down, you eventually find they won’t stand up for you. There’s poetry in that, don’t you think, you storming personification of a cancerous anal discharge? ”
—Hoid to Ruthar
“I ate a frog once. It had more legs than the average frog, and was violet. It wriggled as it went down. ”
—Hoid to his Seon
“Nonsense. Balderdash. Figgldygrak. Isn't it odd that gibberish words are often the sounds of other words, cut up and dismembered, then stitched into something like them—yet wholly unlike them at the same time? I wonder if you could do that to a man. Pull him apart, emotion by emotion, bit by bit, chunk by chunk. Then combine them back together into something else, like a Dysian Aimian. If you do put a man together like that, Dalinar, be sure to name him Gibberish, after me. Or perhaps Gibletish. ”
—Hoid to Dalinar
“Can you feel it? Something has changed. That’s the sound the world makes when it pisses itself. ”
—Hoid
“You look so ugly that it appears someone tried and failed to get the warts off your face through aggressive application of sandpaper! You are less a human being than a lump of dung with aspirations! If someone took a stick and beat you repeatedly, it would only serve to improve your features. Your face defies description, but only because it nauseated all the poets. I’d tell you to put a sack over your head, but think of the poor sack! Theologians use you as proof that God exists, as such hideousness can only be intentional! ”
—Hoid[1]
“You see, Sadeas, you make it too easy. An uneducated, half-brained serving boy with a hangover could make mock of you. I am left with no need to exert myself, and your very nature makes mockery of my mockery. And so it is that through sheer stupidity you make me look incompetent. ”
—Hoid to Sadeas
Wayne Quotes[edit]
“Fortunately I can change hats, while you sir, are stuck with that face. ”
—Wayne
“But he and pain were old friends what shared a beer and a handshake now and then. ”
—Wayne
“Wayne always liked breaking the spine. ”
—Wayne
“I’m investigatin’ alternative states of sobriety. ”
—Wayne
“What I need to do is get the whole city drunk.
Or, you know, advocate workers’ rights to bring down working hours, improve conditions, and meet a base minimum of pay.
Yeah, yeah. That too. But if I could get everybody drunk, think how much happier this city would be.
”
—Wayne and MeLaan
“That joke was already dead. I’m just giving it a proper burial. ”
—Wayne
“Proper loafing requires company. One man lying about is being idle; two men lying about is a lunch break. ”
—Wayne
“He has warts, and is prone to extreme bouts of flatulence. ”
—Wayne to Marasi
Other Quotes[edit]
“My dear, did you just try to prove the existence of God with your cleavage? ”
“Mocking a woman is like drinking too much wine. It may be fun for a short time, but the hangover is hell. ”
—Warbreaker[citation needed]
“I try to avoid having thoughts. They lead to other thoughts, and — if you're not careful — those lead to actions. Actions make you tired. I have this on rather good authority from someone who once read it in a book. ”
“By now, it is probably very late at night, and you have stayed up to read this book when you should have gone to sleep. If this is the case, then I commend you for falling into my trap. It is a writer’s greatest pleasure to hear that someone was kept up until the unholy hours of the morning reading one of his books. It goes back to authors being terrible people who delight in the suffering of others. Plus, we get a kickback from the caffeine industry... ”
—Alcatraz narration[citation needed]
Elend: "I kind of lost track of time... "
Breeze: "For two hours? "
Elend: "There were books involved. "
- ―Elend and Breeze during the Siege of Luthadel[2]
“My behavior is nonetheless, deplorable. Unfortunately, I'm quite prone to such bouts of deplorability — take for instance, my fondness for reading books at the dinner table. ”
—Elend Venture in The Final Empire
“Fine. You fetch your evil Librarian mother from the jail. I’ll go warm up the giant penguin! ”