Alcatraz Smedry/Quotes

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So, there I was, tied to an altar made from out-dated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil librarians.

—Alcatraz to the Reader[1]

Now, there are several things you should consider doing if you were plummeting to your death atop a glass dragon in the middle of the ocean. Those things do not, mind you, include getting into an extended discussion of classical philosophy. Leave that to professionals like me.

—Alcatraz to the Reader[2]

When you’re about to launch yourself into the air strapped to the back of a rocket-propelled penguin, it’s that blasted responsibility that warns you that the flight might not be good for your insurance premiums.

—Alcatraz to the Reader[3]

Potatin Potato, grown and made in the fields of Potallia.

—Alcatraz in Crystallia[4]

Out of the frying pan and into the deadly pit filled with sharks wielding chainsaws with killer kittens stapled to them.

—Alcatraz to the reader[5]

This is my story—the story of a selfish, contemptible fool. The story of a coward.

—Alcatraz describing his books[6]

You could say that watching over these books is his soul responsibility now. He’ll probably enjoy the soul-itary lifestyle.

—Alcatraz joking about Kiliman’s transformation into a Curator[7]

It felt right. Serene. That, of course, meant it was time for something to explode.

—Alcatraz right before the explosion[8]

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

—Alcatraz to Bastille[9]

Once there was a bunny. This bunny had a birthday party. It was the bestest birthday party ever. Because that was the day the bunny got a bazooka. The bunny loved his bazooka. He blew up all sorts of things on the farm. He blew up the stable of Henrietta the Horse. He blew up the pen of Pugsly the Pig. He blew up the coop of Chuck the Chicken.

‘I have the bestest bazooka ever.’ The bunny said. Then the farm friends proceeded to beat him senseless and steal his bazooka. It was the happiest day of his life. The end.

—Alcatraz to the Reader[10]

I didn’t have only two choices at that point-I had quite a few more than that. True, I could have chosen to stay in the room and get shot. I also could have chosen to get in the car. However, there were lots of other things I could have done. For instance, I could have run around the house flapping my arms and pretending that I was a penguin.

—Alcatraz to the Reader[11]